Okay, I'm having some trouble maneuvering my way through the second of this trilogy, and I highly doubt I'm going to spend the $10 on the third for my Kindle. Maybe it's because I had no internet, basic cable, and one bar of service that I swept through the first book in a day and a half (and, of course, a twenty page sex scene goes much faster than twenty pages of pretty much anything else), but now that I have all my twenty-first luxuries back plus other books, the second one has been read mostly at the gym. While I'm attempting to run. Or bike. See parentheses as to why.
To start, I like the
concept of the book. How many times have you sat around with your girlfriends talking about sex (okay, I do it a lot because I'm curious)? I've heard many a mere mumblings about female preferences in the bed or at least in an enclosed space. I've also seen porn (more on that story some other time), and I've seen what the guys are watching (for the record, what's up with the butt sex videos?). So the fact that someone finally put pen to paper about BDSM that isn't weird or taboo to read got me intrigued. After all, I've always tended to view NYT Bestsellers as at least decently legitimate in their literature (Oh, how wrong that assumption has been now that I look back...). And the cover looks so chic! I brought the first one to prepare myself for loneliness in the woods, and now that I'm in the midst of the second one I have some serious criticism. While I appreciate the introduction to a taboo subject, the style of writing has me put off. To the point where after a few of the sex scenes, I couldn't help giggling at the language. I mean, maybe my maturity levels amongst other factors make me not the best candidate to read this stuff, but
seriously. Where do I start? Okay.
1) The Main Characters. I get it, EL started this off as a
Twilight fan fiction, so the characters are going to resemble good ole Bella and Edward a little bit (don't even get me started on that franchise).
Anastasia is too skinny and often thinks she's less than pretty, but she's surrounded by guys who are into her including our main guy. FYI way to give us the most stereotypical lead. Give me a break on the "too skinny" factor. Most girls I know are not "too skinny" just like not a lot are "too fat." Why can't they be normal size sixes? And she's never thought she was pretty or interested in guys while she's surrounded by handsome fellows ever corner. Give me a break. Stupid. And she's graduating college as a virgin. Which there's nothing wrong with, but the reason is because she has not been sexually attracted to anyone in all her twenty-one years. I'm calling EL out on this because clearly she forgets what it's like to be a twenty-year-old young woman. Every single peer I know, even the ones you don't immediately think of, have some sort of sex drive, and telling us Ana here has none until she lays eyes on the hot-hot-hot Christian Grey is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Speaking of
Grey, I get it. I want to jump into bed with him as soon as we first meet him. He's got the Edward-mysterious thing down pat, not to mention similar shades of hair...And his smoldering grey eyes are wonderful. Wish I could imagine someone in real life like him
. But when you feed crappy dialogue through his beautifully pursed lips, all my wonderfully hot images of him are shattered in five seconds flat and the giggles start. Seriously, some of his phrasing is so awkward, especially the sexy lines, I'm one-hundred-percent confidant that if some guy said that to me, I would probably leave. Laughing in a way that would do some damage to said fellow's confidence. Also, one little annoyance. How is he so freaking rich at twenty-seven? I can understand trust-fund babies or even moderately rich people who have good connections post college and are ambitious enough to climb their way up quickly, but I cannot imagine Grey, who has very little connections, having risen all the way up to be pretty much as rich as those characters I watch in my K-dramas. What? What? I just wish he had been a little older. Thirty. I could buy thirty.
2) The Setting. Surprise, surprise, a book created from
Twilight is set in Washington and Oregon. That's not what I have an issue with when I say setting. I'm talking about the fact that this novel is set in
2011. You know, present day, today. So the fact that Ana has gone all four years of college without her own computer or laptop is something I find ludicrous. Small detail, but it's part of her issues with Grey buying her all this nice stuff.
HOW DO YOU GO FOUR YEARS SANS COMPUTER IN THIS DAY AND AGE? She says she used the computer labs, but, excuse me, what about your senior thesis? I do not trust one flash drive and computer labs. Given I go to a small, private liberal arts college, but everyone I have ever met has a laptop. It's not that expensive for the basic kind. And the fact that Grey and Ana communicate via e-mail the way most of us would communicate via text message or Facebook chat I find very silly as well. Maybe that's just me.
3) The Stereotypes. Oh the list could go on. Besides the character stereotypes, this is what else I have issue with. Okay, here's the deal. No great piece of literature compares itself to another piece of literature. In fact, all the books I've read, it's the crappy ones that like to reference classic lit, as though the author is trying to prove his/her background in the world, thus accrediting his/her own writing. So the fact that James likes to reference (and butcher, mind you) one of
my favorite pieces of classic lit just kills me. Okay, let's compare the situation of
Tess of the D'Urbervilles to this one. Only, Mr. Grey is Alec (the guy who
RAPES Tess) and not Angel (who's also kind of idiot, but the lesser of the two evils). Really? Really? Is this real life? And this is derived from the fact that our MC is a fan of classic lit, being an English major. And tying back to her lack-of-a-sex-drive through college, it's because no one quite compares to the Rochesters and Darcys of her books. And the fact that Grey is so instantly attracted to what he perceives to be Ana's submissive behavior (which, thankfully, she's not very submissive at all) is the stereotype of stereotypes. I do have to say, at least James admits it in her character scenario. You probably won't get Meyers to admit Bella is totally submissive.
4) The Dialogue. This
kills me. Okay, I understand why some of it may sound off to my ears as the author is British. And she may not realize some of the things she writes sound super weird. Like "Laters, Baby." I'm pretty sure that sounds normal when spoken with a British accent. However, in an American one, you will sound like a tool or an idiot or just stupid. And literally whenever Grey says
"Baby," my insides shrivel in total putt-offedness. I mean, really. "Baby." Coming from the mouth of a smoking hot, mysterious man. Especially when they're in the heat of the moment, and he says something like, "Oh, Baby" or "No, Baby, no." Gah! I can't stand it. It sounds so awful. And so not hot. "Baby" is for those annoying girls on reality television who call out to their boyfriend like "Babbbbyyyy! Where arreee youu?!" Makes my ears hurt.
5) Grey's backstory. This bit annoys me. If you wanted try and normalize BDSM, you do
not make your experienced BDSMer a BDSMer because he has a screwed up childhood. His druggie mother and her abusive pimp. I mean, really? And this is the reason he doesn't like to be touched, and he likes to tie her hands up and yadadada. Talk about stereotypes! "I'm totally in to dominating my submissives because I was abused up until my adoption at four." Also he's a total stalker (which they mention numerous times) and a total control freak.
6) THE SEX SCENES. Obviously. Okay, I'll give James that the majority of the sex scenes are hot-hot-hot. And I get that given the erotic nature of the novel, she mentions things that other romance authors skim over, but oh my gosh some of the scenes made me so uncomfortable. Remember I've watched porn, I'm not
that uncomfortable by most of what I
read. But, James, you win. I won't mention some of them, but the one that sticks on most in my mind is when they get it on during her
period. -Shrivels up inside- And it's gross. It's the most unsexy sex scene I've ever read in my life! She's on like Day 2 of her period. You know how I feel on Day 2 of my period? Like a bleeding whale. The last thing I want to do is have hot make-up sex with anyone. Gross. And, no one but me, myself, and I is dealing with the tampon/pad part of my period but me. In the privacy of my own bathroom. Or a bathroom stall. No one is touching those things but me. So the fact that Grey does so nonchalantly grosses me out beyond repair.
Alright. So there it is. My long essay of issues with
Fifty Shades of Grey. I will give kudos that James at least acknowledges the flaws of her characters that most find with other books. And I give her kudos on getting an erotic romance book on the NYT Bestseller's list and convincing a tone of people to read it. Am I jealous that something that started from fan fiction and is really very poorly written is published and so popular? Damn straight. I want to be a novelist too. And I'm writing on a little blog that barely anyone reads about problems I have with this book. But hey, life is life. I say, it's an easy beach read and quite good for the gym when five minutes feels like forever. But I'm not planning on wasting the money on the third book. I'll google a Wikipedia article or something if I'm curious.
